A Brooklyn man has brought a lawsuit against his parents for not loving him enough. No, really. I’m not kidding. It’s actually kind of a sad situation. According to the man, his parents neglected him and he feels “unloved and beaten by the world”. He wants his parents to buy him a Domino’s franchise, but will drop the lawsuit if they just sit down and break bread with him. Since his parents live in public housing I’m thinking he’s not getting that Domino’s store he so desperately desires. Maybe they can back his introduction to the world of Avon sales? Mary Kay even? These types of lawsuits are not new. Remember when McDonald’s was sued because their coffee was too hot? Well I’ve lost the roof of my mouth time and again to a scalding cup of joe at the golden arches. Where’s my cut? I’ve got medical bills to pay.
Proceed with caution……and milk……and sugar.
If a man can sue his parents for being inept and a crappy restaurant can be sued for making hot coffee, then the legal possibilities are endless! Theoretically, I can sue anyone for anything. Sure, I’m not guaranteed victory in these cases, but if I get up to bat enough times I’m sure one or two will stick, right? So I’m going to compile a list of lawsuits I can file that is so absurd, so ludicrous, but so long that I am assured financial stability.
- For starters, I’m going to sue the guy that’s suing his parents. Dude, you’re grown now. It sucks when your parents drop the ball, and possibly you (on your head), but it’s time to move on and focus your energy on getting your life together. In the meantime, pay up, I’ve suffered emotional grief from having to read about your stupid lawsuit.
- And if this guy can sue his parents, then I can sue my children. What’s with all this care and stuff you guys are needing? The food? The shelter? Come on, this is exhausting! And now I have to worry about you suing me in the future if I don’t do a good enough job. I’m telling you right now, I’m not buying either one of you a Domino’s. Maybe a Tropical Smoothie, but only if I get half priced smoothies for the rest of my life.
For life means for….life!
- Next, I’ll sue the person that sued McDonald’s for their “too hot” coffee. I think I’ll sue you for not suing them for the right reason. Why sue them for making their coffee too hot when you can sue them for making their coffee taste like pond water? Really, that stuff is nasty.
- While we’re on the subject of suing people frivolously for suing people frivolously, I’d like to bring Lindsay Lohan to court. She sued Pitbull for using her name in one of his songs. Honey, in a year or two you are going to be so far into oblivion that you will be honored when people even think to poke fun of your legal scrapes.
Girlfriend, get ye some help stat!
- Next, my siblings. There are endless possibilities here, but I’m going to go with the baby carriage incident. Remember when I was little and I had the baby carriage for my baby dolls and you guys, the whole lot of you, took turns giving each other joyrides in it until you destroyed it? Yeah, it was fun then, wasn’t it? Wait until Judge Judy gets ahold of youze!
Artist rendering of my childhood trauma. Imagine it way more traumatic, though.
- I’d like to sue bacon for being so tasty. Seriously, it’s kind of cruel how you do that and lure me into eating you. Can’t you taste like a cup of McPondWater after I’ve consumed a reasonable amount of strips?
- Sun? I hope you have deep pockets, because you are going down. The heat, my word, the heat! It’s so oppressive and sweaty. Don’t even get me started on the number of sunburns you have given me, despite the countless hours of sunscreen application. Your time has come.
- Is that you laughing, pollen? You won’t be when I bring the legal hammer down on you. You’re all over my car every dang morning. You’re plugging up my nose, making my husband’s asthma flare up. Who do you think you are? Penniless after I’m through with you, that’s who.
- And lastly, I would like to sue the makers of this so called “miracle” cream. I’ve been using it for a week and am still unable to turn water into wine.
And I’ve yet to cure a leper.
I’m suing you for making me laugh. I was in a horrible mood until I read this and I wasn’t ready to not be grumpy yet.
Well as soon as the money starts flowing in from Lindsay Lohan and the sun you can feel free to come after me.
Nope. I going after you now.
Sorry, just spent all my dough at Costco. All you’re going to get is value sized gummy bear vitamins and 52 bars of soap.
My kids could use those…
They’ll be clean for the rest of the year, for sure.
Perhaps. If I don’t have to show them what the soap is for again.
I’d like to add mosquitos and fire ants to that list. All of that disease and the painful bites have ruined way too many outdoor adventures! The nerve!
Mosquitoes! Bastards!
See, here’s the guy’s problem, he didn’t think modern enough. *I’m* going to sue my parents for not considering the genetics they would be passing on to their children and the damage that may have one day caused because I have poor eyesight, a predisposition to cancer, heart-disease and diabetes, not to mention my bizarre allergy to *very certain* cats, and what I’ve decided is a genetic aversion to telephones and needles, passed on by my father.
I’m also going to sue them for failing to pass on one iota of either of their musical talents, because that could have come in very handy many times in my life. That I *failed* to get this benefit while suffering all of the others seems to just add insult to injury, in my opinion – and surely I can find a jury who’d agree with me!
I’m also unhappy that my boobs aren’t perky enough, I’m 5’6″ when my sister got the whole 5’11″ though she also got red hair so score one for me, and that growing up failed to teach me proper nutrition and portion control which has led to an adult struggle with weight.
Also, I’m sure I could sue them for me being a girl, since that obviously instills certain disadvantages in life, especially in the male-dominated industry I work in.
See, *that’s* how you sue your parents! USE SCIENCE!
Snap! You should have taught this guy!
Nah, I’m too grateful for all my parents have and continue to do for me to ever consider suing them.
I say you’ve got a good case for any and all of these, Fish! Especially the bacon and miracle cream—those bitches need to PAY.
Seriously. Enough is enough.
Spot-on post, Fish! This list of potential lawsuits might seem ludicrous to you, but if read by some of the dimmer bulb’s out there, they’d probably find it inspiring.
Well, I actually think Lindsay Lohan should sue her parents. Maybe I’ll help that one dim bulb that needs it.
Okay, this post is hysterical. You should do all that, partial success guaranteed.
And I like the artist’s rendition of your childhood trauma. I think it’s delivering in an very understated way.
You got yourself a new follower!
Hell yeah! Welcome aboard.
This is one of my favorite subjects, and I think you have a case in each and every one of them. I would gladly assist you in any of these lawsuits, for a modest fee.
One of my first post invovled two lawsuits that were, um, classic. And I figured out the solution. http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2011/06/05/manitoba-bound/
Thanks for the follow — I returned the favor. I’m looking forward to getting to know you.
Read the post. Hilarious and disturbing all at once. I’m gonna like you.
Yes, we may be two peas…which is better than to pee…
Reblogged this on singleinacollegetown and commented:
Brilliant!
Suing for a Domino’s? That is so sad. Really really sad. I hope that one day when my children are old enough to sue me for writing intimate details of their childhood in my blog and being a generally weird mother, that they pick a decent food chain for me to buy them. It should also be cheap because this blogging thing isn’t bringing in tons of cash.