A Brooklyn man has brought a lawsuit against his parents for not loving him enough. No, really. I’m not kidding. It’s actually kind of a sad situation. According to the man, his parents neglected him and he feels “unloved and beaten by the world”. He wants his parents to buy him a Domino’s franchise, but will drop the lawsuit if they just sit down and break bread with him. Since his parents live in public housing I’m thinking he’s not getting that Domino’s store he so desperately desires. Maybe they can back his introduction to the world of Avon sales? Mary Kay even? These types of lawsuits are not new. Remember when McDonald’s was sued because their coffee was too hot? Well I’ve lost the roof of my mouth time and again to a scalding cup of joe at the golden arches. Where’s my cut? I’ve got medical bills to pay.
If a man can sue his parents for being inept and a crappy restaurant can be sued for making hot coffee, then the legal possibilities are endless! Theoretically, I can sue anyone for anything. Sure, I’m not guaranteed victory in these cases, but if I get up to bat enough times I’m sure one or two will stick, right? So I’m going to compile a list of lawsuits I can file that is so absurd, so ludicrous, but so long that I am assured financial stability.
- For starters, I’m going to sue the guy that’s suing his parents. Dude, you’re grown now. It sucks when your parents drop the ball, and possibly you (on your head), but it’s time to move on and focus your energy on getting your life together. In the meantime, pay up, I’ve suffered emotional grief from having to read about your stupid lawsuit.
- And if this guy can sue his parents, then I can sue my children. What’s with all this care and stuff you guys are needing? The food? The shelter? Come on, this is exhausting! And now I have to worry about you suing me in the future if I don’t do a good enough job. I’m telling you right now, I’m not buying either one of you a Domino’s. Maybe a Tropical Smoothie, but only if I get half priced smoothies for the rest of my life.
- Next, I’ll sue the person that sued McDonald’s for their “too hot” coffee. I think I’ll sue you for not suing them for the right reason. Why sue them for making their coffee too hot when you can sue them for making their coffee taste like pond water? Really, that stuff is nasty.
- While we’re on the subject of suing people frivolously for suing people frivolously, I’d like to bring Lindsay Lohan to court. She sued Pitbull for using her name in one of his songs. Honey, in a year or two you are going to be so far into oblivion that you will be honored when people even think to poke fun of your legal scrapes.
- Next, my siblings. There are endless possibilities here, but I’m going to go with the baby carriage incident. Remember when I was little and I had the baby carriage for my baby dolls and you guys, the whole lot of you, took turns giving each other joyrides in it until you destroyed it? Yeah, it was fun then, wasn’t it? Wait until Judge Judy gets ahold of youze!
- I’d like to sue bacon for being so tasty. Seriously, it’s kind of cruel how you do that and lure me into eating you. Can’t you taste like a cup of McPondWater after I’ve consumed a reasonable amount of strips?
- Sun? I hope you have deep pockets, because you are going down. The heat, my word, the heat! It’s so oppressive and sweaty. Don’t even get me started on the number of sunburns you have given me, despite the countless hours of sunscreen application. Your time has come.
- Is that you laughing, pollen? You won’t be when I bring the legal hammer down on you. You’re all over my car every dang morning. You’re plugging up my nose, making my husband’s asthma flare up. Who do you think you are? Penniless after I’m through with you, that’s who.
- And lastly, I would like to sue the makers of this so called “miracle” cream. I’ve been using it for a week and am still unable to turn water into wine.