Romancing the Woe

I’ve been blue, folks.  Forlorn.  Glum.  Sad.  Melancholy even.  So I did what all writers do, and I whipped out my trusty pad and pen.  I wrote the most fantastically sappy, selfishly indulgent piece about misery that ever graced wood pulp.  It was the Harlequin Romance novella of woe.  I believe the phrase, “like sumptuous dark chocolate”, was used.  I thought it was a masterpiece, my magnum opus,  until I found this quote by Joseph Campbell.

“As you proceed through life, following your own path, birds will shit on you.  Don’t bother to brush it off.  Getting a comedic view of your situation gives you spiritual distance.  Having a sense of humor saves you.”

That’s when I realized I’m taking this blue period of mine a little too seriously.  Humor you say, Joe?  Let’s give it a whirl.

• My dryer currently sounds like it has a human skull whirling around with my yoga pants and mismatched socks.  Not that I would know what it sounds like to have a human skull whirling around in my dryer.  I’m just taking a guess here.  Since I’m already $115 in the hole just having someone come out to look at it, the only possibility this moment has of being humorous is if the appliance repairman’s butt crack makes an appearance.  
• I’m going out with the girls.  I rarely, if ever, go out with the girls, so this is already funny.  I can’t wear cute shoes, because all cute shoes have at least some sort of heel and canes and heels don’t mix.  What are the odds I’ll end up in yoga pants and sneakers?  Sweet fancy Moses, I’m one step away from ordering a bedazzled sweater from the Quacker Factory.

At least a bedazzled sweater is better than a swastika sweater.

• I went to physical therapy today.  There’s really nothing funny about that, except if you have a dirty mind like I do.  If someone were to take a video of my sessions, slow it down a bit, add the right cheesy music, and intensify my heavy breathing it just might look like bad 70′s porn.  Not that I would know what bad 70′s porn is like.  I’m just taking a guess here.

And stretch……….hold for five. Bow chicka wow wow!

• The Presidential Inauguration was today.  There are plenty who find that funny.  I am not one of them.  What I did find funny, as I watched President Obama being sworn in for a second term, was the memory of Mitch McConnell’s words “my number one priority is making sure Obama’s a one-term president.”  Ha ha, Mitch McConnell.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.
• I got the first rundown of my surgery bill from my insurance company.  That’s not really “ha-ha” funny.  That’s more “if you don’t laugh you’ll cry” funny.
• Then there’s Reggie, she’s always good for a chuckle.

Why do you mock me?

So there, I tried.  I mustered up as much joy and mirth and glee as I can stand.  Are you happy now, Joe?  I know I am, because had I published the other thing I wrote I’d have to find a rock to live under.  Trust me, you’re happy I went with this one, too.