I was watching River Monsters the other night and it dawned on me that I am one lazy mother effer. I have kind of a “thing” for the river monster catcher himself, Jeremy Wade. He’s a Brit, so that ups his appeal ten fold. He can basically catch a fish with dental floss and bubblegum and that really ignites my inner cavewoman. *grunt grunt* Man… feed…. woman…. that…. turn…. woman…. on. *beats chest* Maybe since I have the hots for him I put him on a pedestal, because really I’m no slouch. I’ve got a couple of kids and a couple of cats, but only one husband. I homeschool one of those kids and play nursemaid to one of those cats. I mostly just annoy the husband. I mean it’s not like I sit around all day eating Lucky Charms in my underwear scratching my butt. I try to limit those behaviors to the weekends. Plus, I really prefer Frosted Flakes.
On a typical episode of River Monsters our English hero will climb a mountain or two, get in a plane crash, and trek through miles of impenetrable jungle just to catch a fish. Bear in mind, this guy does all that and he’s not even going to keep the fish. He goes through hell and high water trying to reel in the beast, for hours sometimes, and when it’s all over he pops the hook out and cheerfully watches as the fish swims away. If I had spent that much time trying to land a fish you’d be damn certain I’m eating that thing. Let’s be real, though, I’m not spending that much time getting my dinner. I’m driving up to the nearest Kwik E Mart, pulling the closest shrink wrapped protein off the shelf, and impatiently tapping my foot when I have to wait 43 whole seconds while the person in front of me pays for their box of wine. Jeremy Wade once got malaria while fishing and he still goes out into skeeter infested swamps, sitting for hours, days or weeks only to catch a fish and set it free. If I ever caught malaria I would never leave my house. I’d slather myself in Off repellent and only answer the door for the pizza guy.
So, even though I’m not really a lazy person, I am when compared to Jeremy Wade. So are you, unless you hike in the forest for days and row the canoe you hand carved from a single fallen tree up a treacherous river to catch a fish. Jeremy’s stamina is awe inspiring. It motivates you to do great things. He makes you think you can move mountains to explore new lands, perhaps discover a new species of antelope. I’m not talking about the general you that means me too. I’m just talking about you, that means everyone but me. Watching River Monsters really just makes me want to get another bowl of Frosted Flakes and watch the dreamy British man handle his rod.